Storms?

Today has been a good bad day. My body has been telling me it is going to rain today. An aid told me we were supposed to get storms tonight. I have had to take more pain medication today than I have in a while. Pain medicine gives me the blahs I think. I would prefer to not have to take it, but I can’t afford to let the pain jump levels until I can’t distract myself.

I am seriously thinking about getting a refurbished XBox X from Back Market. Has anyone used a refurbished game console? I have the money to buy a new one but I don’t want to spend the money if I don’t have to.

I didn’t want the supper we had today. I wanted some Corn Flakes cereal. This meant a trip to the kitchen via the dining room. All the trouble makers were at one table. They expressed their dislike for each other with some very creative language. I don’t know if they know who or what they are angry. An aide was bringing out a tray to help this one little lady that was very quiet.

The aide bent close and said, “You should run. They have been like this all day.” Which was true: they have been very demanding today. I felt so sorry for them — the aides. I have always appreciated nurses and doctors and aides. The staff here are amazing because they are kind and usually have a smile on their faces and soft voiced and really know their stuff.

A Better Day Than Yesterday

I am in better shape today. Last night I was able to talk to my sister’s yesterday. AND I had a wonderful shower thanks to two of the best aids around. I have two aids on night shift that are my favorites. On day shift there are about six I can say are wonderful.

Anyway, after the shower I felt a lot better on all fronts. One of the aides cleaned my wheelchair before I was put back in my wheelchair. It was as if the water washed away some of the blah.

Today I have mostly stayed in my room and just decompressed, but I did get out some and roam around.

The most exciting thing I’ve done is get some envelopes and write a letter. However. I believe I am going to do a bit of drawing, and maybe prep some paper for watercoloring tomorrow.

The screamers have begun a little early tonight. There is one lady who screams and yells for Marsha. One is s rea ing, “Help me somebody! Somebody help me I need help! I’m dying. “

When I was first here they made me so nervous and anxious. I soon discovered they were OK and they screamed and yelled as a way of getting attention because, I think, they either refuse to use the call button or don’t know how. They might not remember how. Unfortunately, they yell, scream and holler for no reason at all. They aren’t like this always. They both have dementia. Some times they are good and at themselves.

There is one woman who screams blood curdling screams. There was one day not too long past where she screamed all day and into the night. I don’t know what she was seeing. Whatever she saw must have been absolutely horrible. She hasn’t screamed like that in a while. The nurses and aides tried to help her so very hard. They finally just had to leave her alone at let her scream. The nurses gave her as much medicine as they could to relax her per the doctor’s orders. She never once stopped screaming. Everyone on the hall was concerned about her. Still, it was a reliefs when she did stop.

I don’t know all of the ins and outs yet, but am learning. My anxiety gets higher on days like this. I am looking forward to getting my XBox X and my games. Then I will be able to put on my headphones and just ignore all that. Many of the Cognizant use headphones for music or audio books while this is going on.

Off to relax and create something if possible.

Rough Day

I seriously tried to sleep through today. I feel such a lonliness so thick, it practically is choking. Me. It came on around five o’clock and hasn’t left. I am not missing so much my people I can talk to and have some communication. I am missing my animals. The pound put Snippy down because of her biting them. It was three bites and they put her down. My heart still aches about that. And Willie died.

Animals have always been a part of my life. They have always been putting for me. Giving me their special kind of love and trust people just can’t. I knew when I got Willie he was probably be my last dog. However, I didn’t expect the way we were parted.

His death and Snippy’s left a big hole in my soul. They needed me and I wasn’t able to help them. They were as important to me as children.

No pets are allowed to live here, it they can visit. None of my babies can come and visit. Some may laugh about this, but there are probably more people understand about how deeply the pain goes.

Wednesday Surprises

The day began as any other day, but there was a surprise. I got a cellphone! Now I can set up my watch!

Not As Shell Shocked

I have been here a little over a month and I am finding some things very difficult to do. Keeping days in their proper places is one of the biggest ones. It is difficult to keep them all from blurring into one long day and an equally long night.

In a place like this recreation and activities are super important. Luckily, there is a wonderful activities ordinator here and she does everything in her power to keep the days separate. One of the big things here is Bingo every Tuesday and Thursday.

Most of the ten to it. Last week was the first time I made sure to go. I can’t say it was ‘fun’ for me, but it was something to do. Socializing was enjoyable to a point for me. This past Thursday was more enjoyable because I forced myself to do so.

Slowly but surely my writing is coming back and I am advancing with my art. I have all the time in the world and I am going to try and put it to use.

Having ‘all the time in the world’ is almost to much when you think about it and genuinely accept it. There are really no words to describe just how immense that expanse is. It is almost too much.

Filling up time hasn’t been a problem for me in the past. However, there was much I could do. The same day didn’t repeat usually. Here the days are dangerously repetitive. And, quite honestly, this past week was a turning point. I don’t know why, but, last week I was determined to keep the days from rolling together, and that I would enjoy myself some way.

So, last week I began writing again. I have never enjoyed diving into a story than this one. My brain had something to do, and my hands were busy with writing – I don’t have a laptop yet, so it is coming out with pen and paper – drawing, and painting.

Where I Live…Now

These past few years have been filled with trauma, drama, and change. Some changes have been good, and others not so much.

I no longer live with my niece and her girls. I now reside in a nursing home in Hyden, Kentucky. I have been here a little over a month now. I am still adjusting. And, I don’t see me moving anytime soon or if ever.

The Husband is living in Lexington in his own space. He is hopefully going to get his disability soon and he will be completely safe then.

I don’t know how many live here, but there are at least ten of us who are cognizant. Slowly, I am getting to know the other residents and the people at the facility.

I can’t say I am happy yet, but I can say I am as satisfied as possible. Hopefully happiness will come.

The reason I am here? My care requires more attention than anyone can give of my family. especially if children are involved. So, I made the decision to come here. It was the right decision to make.

The Husband would bend over backwards for me, and has in the past, but he can’t take care of me and him because I know he would put me first. So, I am putting both of us first: He needs to be close to his doctors and I need to be cared for. That is simply the long and short of it.

Still, this doesn’t mean I don’t miss him, because I do. Why is doing what is right so difficult sometimes?

I have been here a little over a month now. Slowly the shell shock of everything is getting better. The first two weeks were rough ones. I felt like I had given up on I independence. I really haven’t, but feeling something is different from knowing something. At least now I don’t feel like a failure. Progress.

Excitement!

In the next few days, a switch is going to flip, and it will be warm:

The blossoms are almost gone from the blackberry bushes!

It Is Blackberry Winter Again

It is cold, rainy, and damp. Know what I mean? Yes, it is raining so everything is wet, but there is a general dampness, even inside. My joints definitely do not like it.

On the flip side, different hues of new green are also outside my window. Birds flutter about. Bird-song is hopeful and excited. Sometimes the noise the birds make sounds much like old friends catching up. It also reminded me of the old cartoons, I mean the old cartoons back in the day when dinosaurs thundered across the plains. The cutesy ones where every animal is getting along, etc. It was so relaxing to watch them today.

I was thinking of getting a bird feeder when a squirrel ‘invaded’ a tree straight in front of my window, There was a solid force of fluttering wings and angry bird sounds. The birds won and the now very angry squirrel jumps to another tree. Squirrel then proceeds to chatter his displeasure to them. It would have been perfect if the squirrel had shaken a fist at them.

Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Where I Live Now

I live with my niece and her girls. I am no longer at ‘the mouth of the creek’ but ‘at the head of the holler’. It isn’t that far from here to there, but there is a distance because this is a different community. You don’t really think about the difference of people because you get to know them. Here, in this part of the world, you are going from being around one set of family to a different set.

Back in the olden days, whoever got here first received the better land. When the good spots were taken, next came second-best plots. In some circles, it is said the poorest people lived ‘at the head of the holler’ because they had to keep going up the hill. In other circles, it was said the poorest people lived ‘along the creek’ with the better families living at ‘the head of the creek’. Where you live said a lot about you.

Now we are in a brand new century, and where you live still matters. This neighborhood is better that one, etc. So, there is still a pecking order and people put it on themselves. So, maybe we aren’t completely different.

Hello Again

It has been a long time hasn’t it, Dear Readers. In the interim, has your life changed as drastically as mine has? There have been so many changes for me I am completely at a loss for what should be the first event because there were a lot of ‘firsts’ altogether.

One of the biggest changes is the fact The Husband and I are no longer living together but, we are still together. We just can’t currently cohabitate. It was not his decision.

Willie Fu, my service dog, my best friend, died.

I lost a sister and a nephew – mother, and son.

I am living with my niece, the daughter of the sister I lost.

Why has The News opened back up?

Because I am 6? years old and starting all over again in a way. Maybe someone can benefit from some of the experiences I’ve had and a few I am going through. It is scary and feels impossible, and other people in my age group have told me they were in the same boat. Of course, no one wants to open up about it because of all the talk and speculation that can swirl around about a situation no one else can really understand: Having to be away from your spouse even though they are very loved. One person is going through this because her husband has developed some strange, rare dementia and he must live in a nursing home close to her house, but she says often, “It may as well as be five hundred miles away because some days he isn’t there at all except in body. I feel like a married divorced woman because our lives are so separate now.”

Even though The Husband and I speak every day and Message each other throughout the day, it is strange to make any plans or arrangements without him. He is feeling the same. Neither of us is giving up on our relationship or each other. There just has to be some space between us physically. We will be back together eventually.

I never expected to be on this particular journey. My friend didn’t expect her current life path either. So, both of us are going to talk about these changes and how they are affecting us now – if she will stop being afraid of sharing her thoughts online, that is.

There isn’t going to be a set schedule for anything other than posting as often as happens.